


The Number

by Littleviolentone



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Assassins, F/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), winterwidow - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:34:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26007298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littleviolentone/pseuds/Littleviolentone
Summary: "You asked Bucky if he remembered his kills. Well, we were in the same line of work, why not ask me? We're friends, right? So what do you want to know? Names? Dates? Locations? Want to know what food was on their breath? Their eyes. Do you want to know what color their eyes were? Want to know the last words they spoke? Want to hear which ones deserved it? Or better yet, the ones that didn't? Do you want to know which ones begged? Do you know why I remember these things?" She asked in a measured voice."Because I can't forget."
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 1
Kudos: 56





	The Number

**Author's Note:**

> I was rewatching the show Leverage (which I highly recommend to everyone) and came across this quote from Eliot that felt very applicable to both Natasha and Bucky. So since Winterwidow is one of my favorite ships, and because I am fangirl trash, I decided to write this!

Tony had been seething for two whole hours. Pacing the room like an agitated tiger.

Natasha stood to the side, outwardly cool and passive. Internally, however, her temper was rising by steady intervals in rhythm with Tony's diatribe.

She loved Tony, she really did, considered him both a trusted comrade and a personal friend. But he was also a spoiled little rich brat whose only coping mechanism, even for actual trauma, was to lash out in temper tantrums and/or to self destruct. 

As Nat had predicted; everything at had gone to hell in a handbasket at the airport. Just when she thought that James had been cleared of the bombing at the UN, it had been revealed that He had been the one to kill Tony's parents. 

The fighting had been chaotic, even by Avengers standards. With the painfully familiar and the completely unknown cropping up in equal parts, it was no surprise that loyalties had shifted as the fighting progressed.

In the end it became clear to all involved that Tony wasn't trying to arrest James, he was trying to kill him. And not for any greater cause or law, purely out of revenge.

To Nat's great astonishment it had been T'Challa who succeeded in subduing Tony, rendering him unconscious. Though not before Wanda got hurt, Rhodes got shot down, Steve cracked open Tony's suit with his bare hands, and Tony shot Bucky's arm off. 

After a quick discussion, they all agreed to take the King of Wakanda up on his offer of medical assistance and political asylum. All except for Natasha who volunteered to stay behind with Tony. 

Steve had been worried about her, but someone had to be there to reign in Stark, and the rest of them would be arrested on sight now. It pained her to send Steve away, he knew her better than anyone besides Clint, but she needed him and the team safe. She need James safe.

Her James.

The man who first taught her how to kill and who first taught her how to love. The first man to look at her as an equal, not just as a tool or a pretty toy. The one who kept her safe in the red room, who kept her warm at night. The one who was ripped from her arms and made to forget her as she watched, until she was so unfamiliar to him that he shot her that day in Odessa.

She had spent so long thinking she would never get him back that she was almost desperate to have him taken care of now. Knowing Steve would be there with him was the only thing that kept her in place. But Steve couldn't know her past, not if she wanted him to stay her friend. 

All that had been hours ago, now she stood in Tony's hotel room blank-faced and immobile in the face of his rage. 

The only thing stopping her from lashing out like she wanted was the live bug T'Challa had given her as a means of calling them for help, she didn't know who all was listening. It was a tenuous thread to balance on.

Tony had moved on from panic about Rhodes, to anger at her, to anger at T'Challa, back to anger at her again, before moving on to ranting about Steve and Bucky.

Natasha tried to remind herself that Tony had a very good reason to be upset. But it was hard to hold on to her sympathy for him for too long. 

"Roger's fucking knew!" Tony yelled. "He knew his bestie killed my parents and he said nothing! "

What should he have said and when? Natasha wanted to ask. 

"And that fucking bastard. What the hell does that mean; 'I remember all of them.'? Like he's got some sick fucking Christmas list he checks twice every night before he goes to sleep? " Tony ranted.

"That's not what he meant" she said darkly, unable to be silent anymore. 

"And just how the fuck would you know?" Tony jumped on her words immediately. Seemingly thrilled about having an actual target to scream at now. 

Nat arched one eyebrow. "Did you forget what my job was before I joined shield?"

"Yeah, you were a Russian spy. I read the leaked file after Shield collapsed"

"Those files," she spoke clearly and deliberately. Mindful of both her visible and invisible audiences. "Are sanitized and incomplete, Tony. I was a spy, yes, but I was trained primarily to be an assassin."

"That was the sanitized version of your life? And what do you mean incomplete?" Tony was momentarily distracted.

"I started my training at seven and I wasn't the youngest," she began. " I stopped keeping track of things like birthdays but if I had to guess I'd say I was about fourteen when I was first made to kill."

Tony was still now, horrified. "What do you mean 'made to kill'?"

"I was a child, Tony. They put us through conditioning and held us under threat for years to train us. I had no more choice in killing my classmates than Bucky did in his actions. "

"Jesus, Nat. I" she interrupted him before he could finish. She had to make him understand that even though his grief and pain were justified, James wasn't his parents murderer only the weapon used in the act. It was a delicate balance, figuring out how much to say to get through to him without revealing herself to everyone listening. 

"You asked Bucky if he remembered his kills. Well, we were in the same line of work, why not ask me? We're friends, right? So what do you want to know? Names? Dates? Locations? Want to know what food was on their breath? Their eyes. Do you want to know what color their eyes were? Want to know the last words they spoke? Want to hear which ones deserved it? Or better yet, the ones that didn't? Do you want to know which ones begged? Do you know why I remember these things?" She asked in a measured voice. 

Tony shook his head silently, like a small terrified child. He didn't look much different from a child right now. 

"You don't know?" Tony's head shook again. "Because I can't forget. So there is nothing you can do, no punishment that you can dish out, that is worse than what he and I live with everyday. So to clarify; that's what he meant. We remember all of them. We can't forget"

Tony had had tears in his eyes and horror on his face. Natasha knew she had quite possibly destroyed her friendship with Tony, and possibly Steve as well, if he was listening. But if she could keep James alive and stop Tony from ruining his relationship with Steve by scaring them both away from her, it might just be worth it.

After several tense, heavy moments, Tony walked silently into his bedroom and shut the door behind. Nat tried to reign in the dramatic thought that the sound had a sense of finality to it.

It could only have been seconds later, but it felt so much longer when her phone vibrated with a message from Clint. It was a set of coordinates to rendezvous with a plane that would take her to Wakanda. "Captain's orders" it had said.

So, Steve had been listening.

She supposed she would find out soon enough if She had lost all her friends tonight in one fell swoop. She didn't know if her heart would survive their loss ontop of the love of her life thinking she was a stranger, but she would go to see them anyway. 

At least this way she could see James again.


End file.
